Ok I admit it, I thought I was ready for all the things that come with being a mother, today put things in perspective.
For those of you who know me well, know I have been around children most of my life. My mother has been doing daycare since I was about seven, in fact I have few memories of life before my mother did daycare, so I have always felt ready and prepared to be a mother and care for children. Those same people who know me well, also know being a mother has been my main purpose in life, and I've been ready to accomplish that purpose for a long time and I guess you could say I have always felt completely prepared for all aspects of being a mother, but today I realized how wrong I was.
So what happened today, you're wondering? Really it wasn't a huge deal, but in those few seconds it seemed like everything. After I got home from work I gave Kathryn some infant cereal. After she finished and I cleaned Kathryn up she was sitting in her bouncy seat and I was playing with her. I did something that made her laugh really hard. Well she ended up laughing so hard that she started to choke on her own saliva. I gave her a second because she tends to choke sometimes when I am slightly engorged and breastfeed, but usually she coughs a little and then is ok. This time was different. She must have really forcefully inhaled her saliva because she could not catch her breath. I leaned her forward a bit not too concerned because it was just her saliva, could she really choke to death on her own saliva? But she began to panic. She flailed her arms and legs around and arched her back, still not catching her breath, her face turning red. Seeing the panic in her face I ripped her out of the bouncy seat and pounded on her back before she finally started coughing and sputtering. I think I nearly had a heart attack. I wanted to cry I was so freaked out by the episode. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened, and still can't which is obvious since I am writing about it. But this episode really put things in perspective. I don't know how anyone can ever truly be prepared for all the things that come with being a parent. I had the nursery painted and the cribs put together. Their drawers organized and their car seats installed in the car. I read the month by month what to expect when you're pregnant, and the what to expect during the first year after they are born. But books can't prepare you for the emotional toll of being a parent.
I told Adam later the part that really freaked me out when Kathryn was choking was the panicked way she looked at me. She couldn't breath and she was looking at me, her mother who should be able to do anything, to fix it. But what if I hadn't been able to fix it? I knew being a parent would be the most important job I will ever have, but I guess today just really brought into perspective what a huge responsibility this is. These two precious creatures are completely dependent on me and look to me to protect them. Boy, talk about pressure. No wonder so many women obsess about what type of diapers they use, what type of lotions they use, organic baby food vs. non organic, breastmilk vs. formula, and all the other choices mothers have to make about caring for their children. And now I understand what my mom means when she says she still worries about my brother and I. I knew I would love Kathryn and Elijah unconditionally the minute I saw them, I was prepared for that. But nobody could have prepared me for the worry I will experience as a mother every minute for the rest of my life.
Oh my gosh Jessy! How scary!! It is definitely true that you are never fully prepared for everything these babies depend on us for!! I would have had the same reaction as you, including the heart attack!!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you were there and she's ok!
ReplyDeleteThat trust is so scary because we know we can't do everything; we don't know everything; we really are pretty far from it. I remember when Zach was a baby thinking to myself -- "he thinks I know what I'm doing! AMAZING!" and wondering if my Mom had been this scared and just acting like she knew what she was doing -- the way I felt like I was.
ReplyDeleteThere is a moment when they learn you don't know everything, and can't fix everything. And how you handle that moment will determine whether they learn to trust who you REALLY are or simply lose trust in who they thought you were.
And yes, the fear just goes on and on and on. Your Mom is still afraid for you every day. I remember when I worked on the book mobile there was a little boy who tripped on the stairs and scuffed his knee a bit. He sat on the ground outside the bus and cried, and his good well-prepared Mama pulled a Band-Aid out of her purse for the scratch, kissed him tenderly and it was all-better. I sat at my desk and cried -- because my sons were too big for me to fix things for them with a Band-Aid and a kiss anymore -- and OH HOW I WANTED TOO!
The best gift any of us as parents can do is -- when our children look at us like WE know everything is make sure they know who REALLY does.