Reflections on the past year...

Well I can't believe I survived the first year with the twins! It seems like only yesterday I laid my eyes on my babies for the first time, and I will never forget that feeling. I can remember toward the end of my pregnancy imagining what it was going to be like to be able to hold them for the first time, and I don't know if they were faceless in these daydreams or if I had created a face for them. But I was comfortable with these two babies that consumed my thoughts and daydreams during my pregnancy. After carrying them for nine months I felt I knew them pretty well and there would be no surprise. However the night they were born, I remember being so nervous and eager and exhausted! And when my doctor lifted Kathryn over the sheet for me to see her (I had a c-section) I remember thinking "Wow! She looks nothing like the baby I imagined." I was overcome with emotion seeing MY baby girl for the first time, not the imagined baby from my daydreams, it all felt so surreal. She wasn't at all what I imagined she would be, and yet she was the most amazing little creature I had ever laid my eyes on, absolutely perfect!

As for Elijah, I was unable to see him right away as the poor little guy was actually born not breathing and needed a little help (thank goodness I didn't know this at the time). But after they got him breathing and wrapped him up in a blanket they brought both my babies to me as they stitched me back up and again I was amazed! He also looked nothing like the little boy I imagined, but he was beautiful and simply perfect! The feeling is so indescribable!

So over this past year I have had some realizations and reflections about being a mommy.

• Sometimes I need to ask for help, and that's ok. I really struggle with this and still do, mainly because I WANT to do everything. I want to be able to manage the twins, and the bills, and work, and the house, and time with my hubby, and time with friends, and time just for me. But this is an impossible task.
• Being a parent is hard work! Being a good parent is even harder!! It is definitely the hardest job out there, but the most rewarding and fulfilling.
• I love my children, but sometimes I need a break! 
• Guilt is an emotion that will plague me for the rest of my life, it is something I must learn to co-exist with.
• My children are my biggest and best accomplishment. 
• I am selfish when it comes to the twins time. I want them to spend it all with me and nobody else. I've never liked sharing lol. 
• The twins need to spend time away from me and with other people. Like it or not, I must share.
• My body will never be the same, and I am ok with that...most of the time.
• Someday I will catch back up on all the sleep I have been missing this past year and in the next few years to come. For now I am a walking zombie and have learned to function in this state quite well.
• My house will always be a mess for the next 5-6 years, then I will have two extra sets of hands to help!

There are so many more I could sit and write them all night long, but here are just a few.