Letting Go

Boy have the last five days been pretty crazy in our house. On Sunday it looked like a tornado had blown through our house! Elijah unfortunately came down with a stomach bug. He started in on Thursday night, blowing out his diapers and it got worse from there. He went through all is pajamas at one point and had to wear some of his sisters until I could get him a clean pair. I had laundry piling up as I was trying to get the soiled clothes clean, our bed sheets clean that he soiled TWICE, his sheets, blankets, his exer saucer seat etc. There were several days that poor Elijah had to have three baths because the mess was just that bad. I couldn't get dishes done or laundry because it seemed I was constantly interrupted by that familiar smell that told me I had better rush him to the changing table and fast! Not to mention in case you forgot I have two babies, so in the midst of all this chaos, I was also trying to tend to her needs. Well things are starting to look up some. Little man still has an upset tummy, but they aren't coming as frequently as they were, so I am hoping that means he is on the mend. This post however isn't meant to be about Elijah being sick, but rather about what I realized during these last five days.

I hate when my children are sick, I feel helpless and I worry, far more than I know I need to. But during Elijah's bout with this virus I realized there is something in my life that is making me crazy, and it's time to let it go. The something I am talking about is guilt.

It is like this person constantly hanging around in the background, telling you how inadequate you are, how you aren't doing enough or are doing too much. Comparing you to every other woman you know who has children, and works, and makes dinner, and keeps a clean house. Telling you that you are an awful, selfish parent the moment your mind wanders to something other than your children, or when you lose your patience with a crying baby at 2 in the morning and just let them cry it out so you can catch up on the sleep you have been deprived of for the last 9 months.

I can't say I am the only woman to ever feel this way, I know I am not alone, but nobody ever really tells you about this unwelcome guest, this guilt, that arrives the moment you get pregnant, or maybe even before you get pregnant, then multiplies times one hundred as soon as the baby, or in my case babies are born. And because nobody ever tells you about it, you are unprepared for its arrival and after a while you may begin to beat yourself up over all the guilt. I know I have.

So you may wonder what Elijah being sick has to do with this realization. Since Elijah has been sick all I have wanted to do is take care of him. As a little girl I can remember my mom always making me feel better when I was sick, I always felt during those times that I was her main priority, nothing else mattered at that time other than getting me well again. But these past few days I have felt so guilty because while I have been doing everything I can to keep Elijah in clean clothes and comfortable, I can't always keep my mind on him. I have had a million other worries going through my head. "The house is a mess, the laundry needs done, dishes are piling up, I didn't clean up after lunch, Kathryn hasn't had a bath but Elijah has had five in the past two days, is Kathryn feeling neglected since Elijah has had most of my attention, what is work going to say when I call in, could I lose my job, etc, etc, etc." But wait, the guilt doesn't end there. I sent Kathryn to daycare today so I could focus on Elijah, but then I feel guilty for not being strong enough to care for them both. I find myself looking forward to Elijah's nap time so I can have a break from him since he is so clingy and whiny (poor baby), and then feeling resentful when the nap wasn't as long as I had hoped. But then I feel guilty for feeling that way because shouldn't I want to be snuggling my poor sick child? Shouldn't I be enjoying spending this time with him and not being at work? But how can I when the house is a mess and I can't keep up with laundry and dishes and dinner needs to be started, aaaahhhhhh!!!!!! 

The guilt can be overwhelming, and that is just in the last five days. For the past nine months I have felt guilty over everything from opting to be induced at 38 weeks (something I said I wouldn't do) which may have played a factor in me ending up with a c-sect (couldn't I have waited two more weeks?), to choosing to supplement with formula because it was too hard (and maybe I was a little lazy and selfish) to try and keep up a breast milk supply for two babies to exclusively breastfeed. Guilt over working full time when I would rather be with my babies, guilt picking them up for daycare five days a week and then only having enough time to feed them, bathe them, and put them to bed. Then having them all to myself on the weekends and still unable to push away those nagging thoughts about housework needing to be done.

I had an idea of the type of mother I would be, but I am quickly learning that person doesn't exist. She was an illusion, a fairytale, a dream. One that has to be let go of, not only for me and my sanity, but for my children as well. I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not superwoman and that's ok because I don't need to be. In my children's eyes I am and will always be "supermom" and that's enough for me. So from this moment on I won't bury the guilt, because things that are buried have a way of rising to the surface again. Instead I will accept that it is a part of being a parent that will always be there, but I will learn to just let it go. I am not saying it will be easy, bad habits are hard to break. But the next time I am feeling overwhelmed because the dishes are piling up and the laundry has become a mountain, instead of worrying about the chores that need to be done I will take my children's hands in mine and create lasting memories because in those precious eyes, I am supermom.