Boy have the last five days been pretty crazy in our house. On Sunday it looked like a tornado had blown through our house! Elijah unfortunately came down with a stomach bug. He started in on Thursday night, blowing out his diapers and it got worse from there. He went through all is pajamas at one point and had to wear some of his sisters until I could get him a clean pair. I had laundry piling up as I was trying to get the soiled clothes clean, our bed sheets clean that he soiled TWICE, his sheets, blankets, his exer saucer seat etc. There were several days that poor Elijah had to have three baths because the mess was just that bad. I couldn't get dishes done or laundry because it seemed I was constantly interrupted by that familiar smell that told me I had better rush him to the changing table and fast! Not to mention in case you forgot I have two babies, so in the midst of all this chaos, I was also trying to tend to her needs. Well things are starting to look up some. Little man still has an upset tummy, but they aren't coming as frequently as they were, so I am hoping that means he is on the mend. This post however isn't meant to be about Elijah being sick, but rather about what I realized during these last five days.
I hate when my children are sick, I feel helpless and I worry, far more than I know I need to. But during Elijah's bout with this virus I realized there is something in my life that is making me crazy, and it's time to let it go. The something I am talking about is guilt.
It is like this person constantly hanging around in the background, telling you how inadequate you are, how you aren't doing enough or are doing too much. Comparing you to every other woman you know who has children, and works, and makes dinner, and keeps a clean house. Telling you that you are an awful, selfish parent the moment your mind wanders to something other than your children, or when you lose your patience with a crying baby at 2 in the morning and just let them cry it out so you can catch up on the sleep you have been deprived of for the last 9 months.
I can't say I am the only woman to ever feel this way, I know I am not alone, but nobody ever really tells you about this unwelcome guest, this guilt, that arrives the moment you get pregnant, or maybe even before you get pregnant, then multiplies times one hundred as soon as the baby, or in my case babies are born. And because nobody ever tells you about it, you are unprepared for its arrival and after a while you may begin to beat yourself up over all the guilt. I know I have.
So you may wonder what Elijah being sick has to do with this realization. Since Elijah has been sick all I have wanted to do is take care of him. As a little girl I can remember my mom always making me feel better when I was sick, I always felt during those times that I was her main priority, nothing else mattered at that time other than getting me well again. But these past few days I have felt so guilty because while I have been doing everything I can to keep Elijah in clean clothes and comfortable, I can't always keep my mind on him. I have had a million other worries going through my head. "The house is a mess, the laundry needs done, dishes are piling up, I didn't clean up after lunch, Kathryn hasn't had a bath but Elijah has had five in the past two days, is Kathryn feeling neglected since Elijah has had most of my attention, what is work going to say when I call in, could I lose my job, etc, etc, etc." But wait, the guilt doesn't end there. I sent Kathryn to daycare today so I could focus on Elijah, but then I feel guilty for not being strong enough to care for them both. I find myself looking forward to Elijah's nap time so I can have a break from him since he is so clingy and whiny (poor baby), and then feeling resentful when the nap wasn't as long as I had hoped. But then I feel guilty for feeling that way because shouldn't I want to be snuggling my poor sick child? Shouldn't I be enjoying spending this time with him and not being at work? But how can I when the house is a mess and I can't keep up with laundry and dishes and dinner needs to be started, aaaahhhhhh!!!!!!
The guilt can be overwhelming, and that is just in the last five days. For the past nine months I have felt guilty over everything from opting to be induced at 38 weeks (something I said I wouldn't do) which may have played a factor in me ending up with a c-sect (couldn't I have waited two more weeks?), to choosing to supplement with formula because it was too hard (and maybe I was a little lazy and selfish) to try and keep up a breast milk supply for two babies to exclusively breastfeed. Guilt over working full time when I would rather be with my babies, guilt picking them up for daycare five days a week and then only having enough time to feed them, bathe them, and put them to bed. Then having them all to myself on the weekends and still unable to push away those nagging thoughts about housework needing to be done.
I had an idea of the type of mother I would be, but I am quickly learning that person doesn't exist. She was an illusion, a fairytale, a dream. One that has to be let go of, not only for me and my sanity, but for my children as well. I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not superwoman and that's ok because I don't need to be. In my children's eyes I am and will always be "supermom" and that's enough for me. So from this moment on I won't bury the guilt, because things that are buried have a way of rising to the surface again. Instead I will accept that it is a part of being a parent that will always be there, but I will learn to just let it go. I am not saying it will be easy, bad habits are hard to break. But the next time I am feeling overwhelmed because the dishes are piling up and the laundry has become a mountain, instead of worrying about the chores that need to be done I will take my children's hands in mine and create lasting memories because in those precious eyes, I am supermom.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Little Explorers!
So if you don't already know I work at the University of Illinois Early Child Development Lab. I really LOVE my job! I am an assistant teacher in one of the infant rooms. I get to take care of and play with infants all day long. Of course I wish I could spend that time with my babies, but hey if I have to work, I am glad it is with other children and doing a job I love! Anyway, at my work we do all kinds of art and sensory activities with the children everyday. Some days we do painting and other days we do more exploratory activities. These activities are such stimulating activities and really promote the development of the children. Every time I am participating in these activities with the children I always think, I wish I could do this with my babies. Well this weekend I realized, "hey, what's stopping me?" So I decided if I am able, on the weekends I am going to plan an activity to do with the twins. So today we did two activities. The first one we explored paper muffin cups. The twins really enjoyed this, especially Elijah who was grabbing all the cups and not leaving very many for his sister. We talked about the crinkly sound the cups made.
I had only planned on doing one activity, however in the past we have brought in snow for our kids at school to explore, so I thought that would be a fun activity for the twins. So I brought in some snow, and boy was it funny to watch! Elijah wasn't too interested in the cold snow, he enjoyed the measuring cups much more. Kathryn however, really enjoyed the snow, especially eating it! We talked about how cold the snow was and how it tasted. I made sure to take video of the activities and pictures, so I am posting the videos here. Keep an eye out for more in the future. Enjoy!
I had only planned on doing one activity, however in the past we have brought in snow for our kids at school to explore, so I thought that would be a fun activity for the twins. So I brought in some snow, and boy was it funny to watch! Elijah wasn't too interested in the cold snow, he enjoyed the measuring cups much more. Kathryn however, really enjoyed the snow, especially eating it! We talked about how cold the snow was and how it tasted. I made sure to take video of the activities and pictures, so I am posting the videos here. Keep an eye out for more in the future. Enjoy!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Then and Now
I wanted to add one more entry tonight with just pictures. I have a friend from high school who is a photographer and she took the twins newborn pictures, as well as their 6 month pictures, and will hopefully take their one year old pictures. Thanks Amanda Overmyer Photography!
Can you believe how much these guys have grown!
Can you believe how much these guys have grown!
Elijah Then ~ Newborn
Elijah Now ~ 6 Months
Kathryn Then ~ Newborn
Kathryn Now ~ 6 Months
Kathryn and Elijah Then ~ Newborn
Kathryn and Elijah Now ~ 6 Months
Our Family Then ~ May 2011
Our Family Now ~ November 2011
Kathryn and Elijah Then ~ Newborn
Kathryn and Elijah Now ~ 6 Months
Elijah Then ~ Newborn
Can you believe how scrawny this little guy was?
Elijah Now ~ 6 Months
Who would have thought he'd be the next linebacker for the Bears!
Kathryn Then ~ Newborn
No meat on those bones!
Kathryn Now ~ 6 Months
Plenty of fluff to snuggle!
I can't wait to compare their 1 year old pictures! 4 months of growing to go!
The Twins Development
Well let me apologize for not posting an entry for a while. Although I don't celebrate the holidays, seems like that time of year is still a very crazy, busy time. Tonight however the twins are asleep and I have a little more energy to make an entry. I started this blog as a way for family and friends who do not get to see the twins regularly, to be able to keep up to date on all their major developments. So I thought I would use this post to write about all the fun tricks and neat things they can do.
Kathryn has gone from being the bigger twin, to now being the smaller. She was born at 5lbs 12 oz, while Elijah was 5lbs 5oz. Now little man last weighed in around 20lbs! However I think Kathryn is probably going to be petite like her mama was because she feels like a rag doll compared to him. While Elijah is not a chubby baby, he sure is solid! I don't know her exact weight but would venture to say it is around 17-18lbs. Both of the twins are pretty long for their age and are in the 90th percentile for height. As far as other outward changes, Kathryn has one tooth, and a second on the way, and boy are they dangerous when it comes to breastfeeding lol! I have been bitten more than once and although I scold her, she still has moments where she "tests" me. Grandma says she is stubborn like her mama, I have no comment :) Elijah is still my gummy grinning boy, no teeth just yet. Both Kathryn and Elijah can sit up independently, and rollover both ways. Kathryn has even begun crawling! Elijah does push himself up onto all fours, however he has not quite gotten the concept of crawling, and it doesn't help that rolling everywhere just seems to be a faster way of getting around for him. Below is a video of Kathryn's worm crawl.
When it comes to eating Kathryn and Elijah both still breastfeed and take formula as well as eat baby food and cereal. They both love everything they have tried, which has been pretty much every stage 2 baby food they make. There was only one item Kathryn wasn't fond of and that was peaches. They have begun dappling in stage 3 baby foods so they can get used to different textures. Kathryn also enjoys Gerber "puffs" and "yogurt melts", whereas Elijah isn't too sure about these two snacks. He is beginning to become a little more receptive to them though. The first time I gave Kathryn "puffs" I was amazed that she immediately grabbed the cereal puff with her "pincer grasp", which is between her thumb and forefinger. I had never seen her do this before and was pretty impressed with her skills. Grandma has also given them crackers, however mommy is still pretty nervous about letting them eat crackers (I have major paranoia about choking), but Kathryn seems to do a great job with them. Again, Elijah is still learning how to eat the crackers without gumming them to death. I am slowly introducing more table foods into their diet and one favorite is cottage cheese, yum! Below is another video of Kathryn and Elijah eating their "puffs".
As far as sleeping goes, both babies are doing wonderfully! I am happy to report that Elijah has had several bouts of sleeping through the night! Although Kathryn has pretty much slept through the night from a pretty young age, Elijah has always woken up at last once. I made it my goal over my week vacation in December to get him to stop his night waking. So far it seems to be going pretty well! Mommy may finally catch up on some much needed sleep.
The past 8 months have just been the most amazing journey! I love being a mommy, especially to twins! It is every bit as challenging as you would expect but I wouldn't trade it for the world! Everyday I am reminded just how blessed I am.
Kathryn has gone from being the bigger twin, to now being the smaller. She was born at 5lbs 12 oz, while Elijah was 5lbs 5oz. Now little man last weighed in around 20lbs! However I think Kathryn is probably going to be petite like her mama was because she feels like a rag doll compared to him. While Elijah is not a chubby baby, he sure is solid! I don't know her exact weight but would venture to say it is around 17-18lbs. Both of the twins are pretty long for their age and are in the 90th percentile for height. As far as other outward changes, Kathryn has one tooth, and a second on the way, and boy are they dangerous when it comes to breastfeeding lol! I have been bitten more than once and although I scold her, she still has moments where she "tests" me. Grandma says she is stubborn like her mama, I have no comment :) Elijah is still my gummy grinning boy, no teeth just yet. Both Kathryn and Elijah can sit up independently, and rollover both ways. Kathryn has even begun crawling! Elijah does push himself up onto all fours, however he has not quite gotten the concept of crawling, and it doesn't help that rolling everywhere just seems to be a faster way of getting around for him. Below is a video of Kathryn's worm crawl.
When it comes to eating Kathryn and Elijah both still breastfeed and take formula as well as eat baby food and cereal. They both love everything they have tried, which has been pretty much every stage 2 baby food they make. There was only one item Kathryn wasn't fond of and that was peaches. They have begun dappling in stage 3 baby foods so they can get used to different textures. Kathryn also enjoys Gerber "puffs" and "yogurt melts", whereas Elijah isn't too sure about these two snacks. He is beginning to become a little more receptive to them though. The first time I gave Kathryn "puffs" I was amazed that she immediately grabbed the cereal puff with her "pincer grasp", which is between her thumb and forefinger. I had never seen her do this before and was pretty impressed with her skills. Grandma has also given them crackers, however mommy is still pretty nervous about letting them eat crackers (I have major paranoia about choking), but Kathryn seems to do a great job with them. Again, Elijah is still learning how to eat the crackers without gumming them to death. I am slowly introducing more table foods into their diet and one favorite is cottage cheese, yum! Below is another video of Kathryn and Elijah eating their "puffs".
As far as sleeping goes, both babies are doing wonderfully! I am happy to report that Elijah has had several bouts of sleeping through the night! Although Kathryn has pretty much slept through the night from a pretty young age, Elijah has always woken up at last once. I made it my goal over my week vacation in December to get him to stop his night waking. So far it seems to be going pretty well! Mommy may finally catch up on some much needed sleep.
The past 8 months have just been the most amazing journey! I love being a mommy, especially to twins! It is every bit as challenging as you would expect but I wouldn't trade it for the world! Everyday I am reminded just how blessed I am.
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